What th’ hell? THAT’S my first question? Of all the things you can ask about life after death an’ the meanin’ of existence an’ the winnin’ lotto numbers an’ shit an’ THAT’S what y’got?
…All right, whatever…
So dude. Y’see this gut I got? Y’think I got that eatin’ carrots an’ shit? Who DOESN’T like a peanut butter cup or three? When I was little I thought peanut butter was really some kinda actual butter. I got confused ‘cause I read all about how it’s made an’ I didn’t get how peanuts could BE butter. I asked Ma an’ she just gave me a look like I w’s retarded. She didn’ say a word, so I jus’ walked off. When I found out from my teacher that it’s just CALLED “butter” because of the consistency I was pretty pissed.
But peanuts…hell do you e’en KNOW what those bastards c’n DO to a person? I used t’ think peanut allergies were bullshit. M’ friends an’ I tricked this scrawny kid in our class into eatin’ peanuts ‘cause he said he was allergic an’ we wanted t’ see what happened. Man that was some shit. Anaphylactic shock. His throat swelled up an’ he couldn’t breathe an’ he passed out holdin’ his stomach. Everyone screamed an’ the ambulance came. Luckily he ended up okay. We acted like it was a mistake an’ we got off with a week o’ detention. Felt like shit. Kids’re some mean little bastards.
An’ did you hear about th’ million jars o’ peanut butter bein’ tossed in a landfill in New Mexico? Seriously! A MILLION FUCKING JARS! Twenty-five goddamn TONS of peanut butter! Salmonella an’ shit. Educate yourself.
Moral of th’ story: don’t fuck with peanuts.